For those of you, like me, that think now it is almost time to start shopping, here are a small flurry of last second literary suggestions, first up is from Sarah Joy Freese:
When considering the best holiday movies of all times, Die Hard clearly
makes the list. In the same way, when considering 2009’s greatest
holiday books, Allan Shapiro’s The Butcher and the Breather,
makes EWN’s Holiday Guide list. Sure, there is no Santa Claus in his
novel. Nor are there Jingle Bells or dreidels. Rudolph cannot be found,
either, but it is obvious that this novel should rank among the top
choices for holiday book buyers, if only because Allan’s protagonist—a
cigarette smoking, Terminator watching, grocery store clerk at Food For
All—is named Irving Schmuckowitz; his writing is stunningly reminiscent
of Don DeLillo’s The Body Artist; and the book begs the question, “Is
that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
But those aren’t the only reasons. Clearly, Allan knows how to write, and I don’t mean letters to Santa.
Nicole is at the sink doing the dishes. I am standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a gun in my hand. At any moment she’ll be done and she’ll turn around and see me standing there in the doorway of her kitchen with a gun in my hand. At any moment my phone will ring. At any moment everything will begin again.
And then my phone rings. And then the gun goes off.
It is louder than I expect. My ears are ringing and I try to pop them by opening and closing my mouth. Then I stick a finger in one of them. Then I shake my head as if I had water in them. Then I see Nicole slumped on the floor in front of the sink and she is holding her stomach and the blood is already everywhere and she sounds like someone trying to breathe in a vacuum and it reminds me that my phone is ringing and I wonder if I should answer my phone. Then our eyes meet and there are tears in her eyes and tears come to my eyes and I love her more than I ever have before and I hate myself even more. The second shot hits her in the chest and then I don’t hear anything anymore. I go to the bathroom and I lock the door.
When I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, I realize that I no longer have to worry about my heart stopping since I now have the ability to stop it myself. The gun is still warm in my hand. Then it is still warm in my pocket. Then I sit on the toilet and wait for Nicole to call.
She doesn’t.
When I leave the bathroom, the sink is still running, but there is nobody on the floor in front of it. There is no body. The television is still on though there is nobody to watch it. The door is still open.I return to the Cadillac to find the butcher smoking another cigarette. I get in the car and take a deep breath. Then I realize what I’ve done. Then I ask if it would be okay if I have cigarette.
The butcher smiles. The butcher says, ‘Now don’t you feel better.'
So,
if you’re looking for a stocking stuffer; a Chanukah gift; or a book to
accompany you on your crazy holiday travels, consider The Butcher and
the Breather. You won’t be disappointed. In the words of Bruce Willis
as channeled through John McClane a la Die Hard, “Yippee Ki-Yay,
Motherfucker!” Perhaps more poignantly, in the words of Allan Shapiro
as channeled through Irving Schmuckowitz a la The Butcher and the
Breather, “Nobody fucks with my Cheerios!”
***
Sarah
Joy Freese is an affiliate faculty at Colorado Christian University.
She has an MA and an MLIS from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.
Currently, she is in the process of applying for her PhD in English at
various universities around the state. Feel free to put in a good word
for her. Sarah has been published in places like elimae, Monkeybicycle,
Salt River Review, The 2nd Hand, Word Catalyst Magazine, Prick of the
Spindle, and Santa Fe Writer's Project. She has a certain affinity for
cinnamon toothpaste, but she does not have a zombie contingency plan.
In fact, according to facebook, she only has a 10% chance of survival
rate in a zombie movie.
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